Friday, September 17, 2010
Speaking in Tongues
Apparently “speaking in tongues” has become all the rage. There are certain churches you can go to where they’ll practically guarantee you’ll be able to do it by the end of the first service.
I feel the need to clear something up here: “Speaking in tongues” is a miracle and by definition it doesn’t automatically happen just because you joined some church where everyone else is doing it. It’s actually a very rare thing. Joining a church where everyone expects to speak tongues is like joining a church where everyone expects to part the Red Sea (although admittedly that’s a lot harder to fake). Three words here: Emperor’s New Clothes. Don’t start faking it just because everyone else is doing it.
Also – (and this is important. Pay attention) – Speaking in tongues was never supposed to be people just making strange babbling noises, over-using the tongue action (of course) and going “goo gee ga ga bo bee bah la la la la la la”; it means spontaneously speaking in an actual language. If someone you know suddenly breaks out in ancient Sumerian, you'll know you’re in the presence of a bona fide miracle and should waste no time in touching the hem of their cloth. But as I’ve said, it’s very rare. So if you end up somewhere where everyone does it, chances are it’s just a bunch of silly people trying to act cool. They’re all faking it but no one’s going to admit it. If you start copying everyone around you, you are in danger of babbling like an idiot just to fit in. Hang back, my friend.
Next time you go to one of those speaking-in-tongues churches, try just shouting out the lyrics to Lady Marmalade then fall backwards as you’re screaming, “Mocca chocolata Ya Ya” and writhe a bit on the floor. It will have the same effect but probably be a lot more fun.