Jesus Is Not Your Personal Assistant

Please stop asking me to do trivial things like opening jars of pickles or helping you shoot a basketball through a hoop. Like I’m supposed to drop what I’m doing and run to God every 10 seconds saying, “Quickly father, there’s one of your flock who needs a really good parking spot now!”???




Open up a newspaper. There are lots of much bigger things going on that I need to attend to. And apparently I’m very backed up. Do you really expect me to take a break from floods, earthquakes, wars and famines to clear up your skin in time for your big date Saturday night? There are creams for that my friend. Seek, and you shall find them.



And while we’re on the subject, please stop crediting me every time your favorite team wins a game. Because chances are people rooting for the other side are now wondering why I forsook them. I didn’t. I was ignoring all of you. Call me when you have something important to discuss.

Because if you give me credit every time you lose a little weight or find extra change in your pocket, then you’ll also have to start blaming me when things go wrong. Pretty soon you won’t be able to stub your toe or catch a cold without thinking, “Jesus hates me!” – see how crazy-making that is?

Now run along and stop being so neurotic.

A Thousand Smooches,

J.C.

Deliver Us from Ego

Oh please, will everyone stop hitting other people over the head with their religious beliefs?! At what point did I say, “Go forth and annoy the hell out of people”?

I never meant for my message to be that I was the only guy who knew what was going on. Last time I checked I wasn't an arrogant person. I was actually pretty selfless. OK it could be construed as arrogance that I'm saying that about myself, but you know what I mean.

Dig this: all religions basically have the right idea. And there have been lots of cool teachers. Gautama Buddha, cool guy. Muhammad, cool guy. Me, cool guy (and snappy dresser). We’ve all said some good things and I suppose we’ve all made some mistakes as well. For instance I probably should have rethought my friendship with Judas. Oh well, you live and learn. Or in my case, you get betrayed and crucified. But I digress...

Good words are good words are good words. So stop knocking everyone else's and try actually following the ones of your chosen guy (or gal). Chances are it all boils down to the same message: Be nice. Do good things.

And don’t try to classify killing people who believe differently from you under “good things”. You are not fooling anyone. Especially not me.

Sorry to burst your bubble if you were having fun thinking of your religion as better than everyone else’s, but hopefully this knowledge will make you happier.

At the very least it should make you stop trying to convert people on public transport.



J.C.

Jesus Has a Blog!

Hello. Jesus here. Finally got a blog. Yes, I know it took me practically forever. Kind of in a hurry today - lots of stuff to do. Oh - in case some people haven't heard, my last public speech was all about people being nice to each other. I know a lot of people thought what I meant by that was that everyone should hate everyone who isn't like them, hunt down and kill people from other religions, burn witches, persecute gay people, etc. Totally not what I meant. I meant what I said literally. I wasn't being pithy. Be nice to each other. The way you've all been acting you'd think the last line in the Sermon on the Mount was, "Blessed are the assholes". I was speaking Sumerian. Perhaps something got lost in the translation? Really people, chill.